Did My Therapist Just Break Up With Me?

When Your Therapist Says You're Done

TL;DR

My therapist broke up with me, and I am rather happy about it.

My work is done here. You can go now.

My Yellow Subaru Wagon

When I was in college, I had a hand-me-down yellow Subaru wagon from my mother. I ran that car into the ground. The undercarriage was rusted to hell, the fan belt was louder than the radio, and the shocks were doing more harm than good. The dealer laughed at me when I tried to trade it in for something new. When I pressed, he countered, “How much gas is in the tank?”

In many ways, the last 15 months for me have been much like the last 15 months of that Subaru’s life. Depression had me feeling as if the floor was falling out from under me. My Anxiety was screaming like that damn fan belt, and my moods were about as stable as that Subaru’s suspension. While, as a teenager, I found it amusing to ride in a car that swung around like an amusement ride at every corner, it is not as much fun when your whole world feels that way.

With the Subaru, I knew I never had to really fix it, as we knew a guy who would slap an inspection sticker on the car as long as the lights worked. I knew the car was a mess, but I didn’t want to spend the money to fix it. That car was a death trap, but it got me from point A to point B.

During the first 90 days of this past 15-month stint, I was no more roadworthy than that Subaru. The lights were working, and I was getting from A to B (some of the time), but the ride was far from smooth. As I was unwilling to pay for the help I dearly needed, the ride did not improve.

Much like when I took the Bondo, duct tape, and wire to keep my old car together, I tried to DIY my mental health. I started journaling, meditating, and reading books on Self Help, Stoicism, Eastern Philosophy, and more. I was never a mechanic, so most of the repairs to my car, beyond the wire keeping the muffler from dragging, were purely cosmetic. I would not dismiss the journaling, meditation, and reading as having a similarly minor effect on my well-being, but it was becoming clear I needed outside help.

Asking for Help

The following video (33 seconds) is from the short film The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse. If you have Instagram, you have probably seen the whole film bit by bit at this point…

Substack was my first move towards reaching out, and I have found a lot of comfort here. The community has been great, and I have learned a lot. This place has been a big part of my efforts to improve myself through sharing and simply spending the time to write things out. Problems always seem more tangible when written out and, therefore, more difficult to ignore.

While Substack has helped me greatly, in January, I decided to put away my financial arguments and seek professional counseling¹. So, on January 16, I signed up for BetterHelp.com². Four hours later, I had an appointment scheduled with a therapist just three days later.

One of the first things my therapist told me after our initial exchange was that we would have this whole therapy thing wrapped up after eight sessions. I found that rather odd. I have always thought of therapy as more of an ongoing practice, but I was not going to buck the system. I was paying for their expertise, so I followed along.

Last night was my seventh and last session with my therapist, and I am not sure how I feel about that. Am I fixed? For now, hell yeah. I am in a much better place than I was in the first week of January, or 15 months ago, for that matter. But, forever fixed? Hell no. Depression and Anxiety are not just something you experiment with in college. They are usually lifelong companions, much like addiction or eye color.

I am OK knowing I was born with a trailer hitch, and the wagon with Anxiety and Depression is always there waiting. As G.I. Joe used to say, “Knowing is half the battle.”

As I mentioned, last night was my last session, but the strange thing is, that was not my choice. My therapist thought I was “done with counseling,” which I still find to be rather odd. Again, I do feel much better, and I do credit them with helping me get there, it just feels strange. However, I still have two weeks on my account, so I am meeting with a new therapist next week. I may as well, as it will not cost any extra.

I hope to get a new perspective or an agreement that I am in a good place. I am pretty sure that is what I will get.

Yeah, I Am Good for Now

Why do I think I am OK? Because that is how I feel. I realized it while watching a postgame interview with a new member of the Boston Celtics. Xavier Tillman joined the team during the midseason trades and got some game time against the Mavericks today.

As I watched his short interview, I just felt very happy. I was happy for him.

Then, I realized, I was not simply happy for him, I was happy for me.

I was happy.

Welcome back, old friend.

The Takeaways

• Therapy helps. I put it off for too long because of the costs, but I regret that now. That is why I am even willing to continue paying after my first therapist decided I no longer needed to continue with therapy. (My intention is not to throw my therapist under the bus. I am just open to see if there is more to be learned, and I am willing to pay to keep seeking.)

• Recognize your milestones. While I feel as if I suddenly realized I was happy, that is just not the case. Anyone who has a large family knows, your own kids don’t seem to grow, but every time you see a nephew or niece you simply can’t believe how much they have changed. I was not recognizing the incremental improvements in my mood, but I see them now. They were there.

Questions to consider:

• If you know what your goals are, have you mapped out the milestones? How can you actively take note of the incremental improvements?

• Is there something you are avoiding because it would cost too much, or would take too much effort or time? Get a pencil and pad out and do a Pro/Con list for that. In my case, the financial argument lost to the benefit argument.

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1. I put this off for financial reasons, as due to the weak yen and my desire to get English-language counseling, the costs are a bit prohibitive. Also, counseling is not covered by Japanese health insurance.

2. Yes, this is an affiliate link. As I mentioned, counseling is not covered by Japanese health insurance. Also, I have found the counseling and Classes useful, so I am happy to recommend the site.