Flavors of Love

In Meditations, Marcus Aurelius begins by listing the Virtues he learned from different people in his life. In this post, I look at the Flavors of Love I have learned along the way

Baskin Robbins famously offers 31 flavors of ice cream at any given time, which is why it is called “31” in Japan. The founder’s desire to provide “a different ice cream flavor for each day of the month” inspired the theme of 31 flavors.

Flavors of Love

What does ice cream have to do with love? Beyond the fact that ice cream is nearly universally loved, even by those who deny themselves the pleasure, love and ice cream come in many flavors.

Flavors of Love I Have Tasted (A Sampler)

• Unconditional Love

• Love as Action: Fatherly Love and Motherly Love

• Persistent Love

• Tainted Love

• Love in Words Only

• Self-Love

Unconditional Love

Unconditional Love, the sweetest flavor of all, flows without judgment. It's so abundant that it's as familiar as the cool, refreshing water we draw from the tap. Sadly, much like the ever-present source of life-giving water, this flavor is often doomed to be taken for granted and only fully appreciated when it is gone.

My first encounter with this flavor of love was through our first family dog. Dogs, with their unwavering loyalty and affection, are living embodiments of this flavor. If we could all emulate their capacity for unconditional love, imagine how much gentler the world would be. (Open the link below in another tab for a great article on how to bring more Loving-Kindness into your life.)

Loving-Kindness For All Beings

"The only love worthy of a name is unconditional." — John Powell

Throughout my life, I have only truly felt unconditional love from one person, and that was my grandfather. He was the kindest person I have ever known and the person I most wish to emulate. It is from him I learned to look towards Santa Claus as a role model. He was my Santa, and if I get things right, I hope to be remembered in the same way someday.

I am blessed to have felt this flavor of love towards three people in this world: my son, my daughter, and my granddaughter. Nothing they could ever do would spoil the love I have for them.

Love as Action

I was sadly blind to this type of love for much of my life. It is a love that, to my literal nature, was never fully understood. I have always had a weakness when it comes to reading social cues, so unless something is stated clearly to me, I may not correctly understand the implied meaning. At times, this has me wondering if I am somewhere on the spectrum or if I am just a bit daft.

The important point is that sometimes love is shown more through our actions than our words. In my case, it was not until moving to Japan that I fully understood this. Japan still has a rather traditional family structure, so it is not uncommon to see single-income homes. In such cases, the father is the breadwinner, and the mother is the housewife who rules the roost.

At first, I found it rather sad that fathers would often not get home until their kids were in bed, could not attend their sports events, and did not have weekends free to go on family trips. However, the local flavor of fatherly love is more of Love as Provider, whereas motherly love is Love as Action. These come as a set.

父の恩は山よりも高く、母の恩は海よりも深し。"A father’s goodness is higher than the mountain, a mother’s goodness deeper than the sea." — Japanese Proverb

Love as Provider: “Fatherly Love”

In my youth, I was blinded to my father’s love for me, as his love was Love as Provider. I do not have many memories of tossing the ball with my Dad, hiking, camping trips, or even seeing him at many of my soccer games. But he never let us want for anything. Sure, he would deny us things we “wanted,” but never anything we needed. He was a perfect example of Love as a Provider.

I do not say this to diminish the love of my father. If anything, I share this as a painful reminder that I was blind to the love he showed me, as it was a flavor I did not recognize until too late. Returning to the tap water, where I saw love as the water, my father’s love was the glass from which I was able to drink. I know that now, and it dampens my eyes to realize the pain I put him through due to my inability to recognize it. However, as a father myself, I now understand.

Love as Action: “Motherly Love”

Again, allow me to use Japan as an example, as I have lived here most of my adult life.

Japanese mothers embody Love as Action, as their love is fully on display in everything they do. Their love for their husbands and children is clearly visible in their daily routines.

Japanese mothers get up early, make bentos for the kids before school, and perhaps even for their husbands to take to the office. They do the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, and even the household budgeting. Once the kids are home from school, they make sure the homework gets done, attend school meetings and activities, and fulfill all the needs of the family so the others can focus on their own roles. The father can wholeheartedly focus on earning money to support the family, and the children can maintain focus on studying and participating in school activities to develop social skills.

Persistent Love

I learned persistent love from my stepmother, who simply waited us out. My siblings and I treated her coldly at first, as we blamed her for our parents' divorce and for “trying to replace our mother.” We were not kind to her in those days, yet she persisted.

“I can think. I can wait. I can fast.” ― Herman Hesse, Siddhartha

Her actions remind me of the above quote from Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. While I initially refused to love her or even feel positively towards her immediately after her marriage to my father, she never gave up. She could think, she could wait, and she could go on loving me without receiving my love in return for as long as it would take.

In the end, she won, and we were both better at it. I can only apologize to her for making her wait so long.

Tainted love

I see Tainted Love as love that has been tarnished in some way. In my life, there is one case of Tainted Love that reigns over all. It was love for me that was used against me by others. This love was used as a weapon against me in a cruel way. It still pains me to think about it, and while all participants in this dance are still among the living, I don’t feel I have fully overcome the damage done.

Accept my apologies for being cryptic, but while I think this particular flavor is important to mention, I do not care to be more specific. After all, this flavor is less palatable and deserves to be left aside. However, that does not mean I have given up removing the nasty bits that spoiled this particular batch, as there is flavor yet to be rescued.

Love in Word Only

This is another love I have been unfortunate enough to sample, as I am sure many of us have. This is the love where one’s words and actions are not aligned. False love. This is often “love out of obligation” or perhaps “love with ulterior motives.” It is like a perfect twirl of mayonnaise served in a waffle cone. It may look alright, but it is certainly not. Either way, it leaves a bad taste in one’s mouth.

This is another flavor I do not care to discuss openly, as there are too many opened tubs of this flavor still about. While I know I must address them to clear up my emotional freezer, I don’t want to bother you with my mess.

Self-Love

To end on a positive note, above all, Self-Love is the most important of all. As how can we expect anyone to love us if we refuse to love ourselves? It is the foundational love upon which all future love depends. Of course, this love itself is born from the love we receive in our youth, but at some point, it becomes the central source from which all true future love will grow.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." — Oscar Wilde

I have fallen in and out of love with myself many times over the years. More often than I care to admit. It is a terrible thing to find oneself beyond the reach of one’s own love. Is there a more lonely place than that? However, the solution is frustratingly simple at an intellectual level. Simply agree that despite your faults you are the best “you” that you can be in the moment. That is it. Nothing more.

Steve’s Closing Message to Steve

You are the best Steve you can be right now. Sure, you can be a better Steve tomorrow, but right now, you are the best you can be. Yesterday’s Steve and those from all the days prior deserve your love and empathy, and all future Steves deserve your love and support. So, today, let’s agree to accept ourselves and love ourselves for exactly who we are.

Love, Steve

Closing

Baskin Robbins promised 31 flavors and ended up with a catalog of over 1,400. I have only listed a sampling of my own flavors, but these are the ones closest to my mind these days. I already broke the 1,000 word mark, so I will stop here. Perhaps I will get back to the topic in the future.

Did I leave out your favorite flavor? Your least favorite? Did I get a flavor wrong? Feel free to let me know in the comments or by email.

The Takeaway

• What is your favorite flavor of love?

• How many flavors of love can you identify in your life right now? Are they all equal? If not, how are they different?

• Who were the foundational people in your childhood? How was their love different?