On Unlovability

Hi, my name is Steve, and I am a recovering Unlovable.

In this article, I will discuss the issues I have struggled with regarding being loved. Specifically, I struggle to believe in the expressions of love from others and my capacity to be worthy of love.

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I was 26 years old before life finally convinced me I had issues with being loved. The scars of the many times I pushed people away from me remain scribed in my soul, but it seemed that in 1994, I was finally ready to listen.

Who was I in 1994?

In 1994, I lived in East Boston in a two-bedroom apartment over Maverick Square. It was a decent apartment in a not-so-great location. The train station was outside the front door, which meant it was loud, and the convenience store on the other side of the square had a finicky burglar alarm. I also came home more than once to find someone had urinated in our lobby.

However, the apartment came with a roof deck, and this was essentially the view:

Image Source: Wikimedia

The roof deck and the access to the Green Line made the apartment a great find. I was waiting tables at a restaurant in Copley Square and spending my free time studying martial arts, rollerblading, and reading.

My Mindset in the Early 90s

Commuting by train, I found it always wise to keep a book in my back pocket. In Boston, you never knew when the train would show up, and they were even less frequent by the time I got out of work. Having a book quick to hand helped pass the time while also keeping the occasional Green Line Freak from starting up a conversation.

During this time, I was reading a lot about religion and philosophy. My attention started moving towards Eastern Philosophy, such as Taoism and Buddhism. I found comfort in the internal aspects of Buddhism and the concept of Balance in Taoism. I believe it was due to the influence of these readings that I finally came to grips with my feelings about being Unlovable.

In a word, I felt ‘centered’ in those days.

The Trigger

In 1993, I entered into a relationship with a coworker. Initially, she was trying to help me find a girlfriend, but somehow, in the process, she decided to cast herself in that role. She was great, we had a lot of fun, but then I fucked it all up sometime in 1994. The important takeaway is that, as in previous relationships, nothing happened to cause a fallout between us. There was no big fight, no tragedy, no betrayal, or any such nonsense. We just broke up because it no longer “felt right” to me.

I soon realized I still loved her, and we did try to get together a few more times, but we did not reconnect. She decided to move on, and I realized I had fucked up something good. Luckily, my lackluster job waiting tables came with a decent health plan, so I got counseling for an incredibly cheap co-pay. (I think I was paying $5/session out-of-pocket!) Through my sessions, I understood the pattern I had developed of pushing people away. I am sad to say that, at that time, this was as far as the insight went.

I ended that job and counseling with a better understanding of myself and how to progress in future relationships. I knew I had a pattern of pushing those with whom I shared mutual love away from me.

Learning Not to Push

In the following years, I had a few more relationships, but only three reached the “meet the parents” stage. In the first case, I fell back into my old pattern of shutting down and doubting the love could be real. She wisely moved on to seek someone with less baggage.

I approached the next relationship with my eyes open to my pattern of self-sabotage. We flourished. We started while living in the same town, but the relationship survived even when I moved from our Seacoast, NH town, to rural Connecticut. When I decided to travel to San Francisco to get my TESL certification to teach English abroad, she joined me. Eventually, we became engaged and moved to Japan, where we lived together for about 18 months. Then, things fell apart.

I do not entirely blame the failure of this relationship on myself. It was a combination of her need to be near her mother and my lack of readiness to move back to the USA. So, in this instance, we were both to blame.

Enter my wife… 23 years and counting.

Three things have combined to keep my wife and I together for over two decades: our mutual love for each other, our exceptional children, and the fact that we do not share a mother tongue.

Many think the last would be a mark in the negative column, but we see it as a positive. As we do not share a mother tongue, nuance may be lost due to poor translation or limited fluency, so we tend to give each other more leeway. We try to give each other the benefit of the doubt before escalating anything, as we take that extra moment to confirm the message. At least, I like to think so…

I discussed the challenges of communication with my wife a bit in this post: Am I Bad for Wanting to Train My Wife?

The Bigger Trigger

I only add this for context, but something happened in my life in November 2022, which put me in a spiral. Since then, life has been rather testing. My depression and anxiety, which I had managed well for years, exploded to the forefront and took a firm grasp of the wheel. The following five months were, without a doubt, the most challenging time of my life.

Coming to Grips with My Feelings of Being Unlovable

The issues from November 2022 remain unresolved, but my depression and anxiety are mostly under control again. To ensure they remain so while awaiting a resolution, I recently decided to start counseling again. Unfortunately, while my job is much better than waiting tables, my health insurance does not cover counseling. (The attitudes towards mental health have not progressed as much in Japan as in the USA.)

Trying to find counseling in English in Japan was a bit of a challenge, so I decided to go through BetterHelp.com¹ to find someone. I was matched with a counselor within four hours and had my first session three days later. I have had six sessions to date, attended several Classes, and tried one Group Session.

Has it fixed me? No.

However, it has helped me to gain insight into the cause behind the behavior. What I realized when I was 26, that I was pushing people away, was not the problem. It was the symptom. The problem is that I do not feel lovable. I do not feel likable. I do not mean to say I hate myself, as I certainly do not. It just means I have trouble believing that I am likable or lovable.

If you know me personally, that means that I may not be sure if you actually like me or just see me as a backup plan. (Kinda sad, huh?)

I know my kids love me. I know my wife loves me. Of course, there are exceptions, but my default feeling is not to trust the feelings others may have for me.

• If we hang out, the ‘hurt child’ in me is probably thinking you couldn’t make better plans.

• If we dated in the past, I most likely thought you were just with me until someone better came along.

• If I invite you somewhere, I may think you only come out of obligation.

It is not a nice feeling, but I recognize it is my monster now. I see it.

Always whispering in my ear, but now I see it. I know it’s there.

There is a long road ahead of me, which may be odd to say for a man in his fifth decade of life, but at least I have identified another of my monsters. The Unlovable Monster may always be perched on my shoulder, telling me not to believe you made plans with me because you want to, but only because I was a better option than organizing your closet. I will do my best to ignore it.

The Takeaway

We all have our monsters, and the more we identify them, the better we understand ourselves. Unlike Pokemon, you do not need to collect them. You need to identify them and, if possible, set them free.

Questions to consider:

• Do you have any monsters?

• If so, how are you feeding them?

• Can you “starve them out,” or must you find another way to exorcise them?

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1. Yes, this is an affiliate link. As I mentioned, counseling is not covered by Japanese health insurance. Also, I have found the counseling and Classes useful, so I am happy to recommend the site.